N.B. This post is rated 14A for mature language. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
So, yeah. I’m a BodyTalker. An alternative health practitioner. I’m the one who groks the stuff your body is trying to tell you and you’re not listening. I’m always after my clients, going “You know, I’m telling you what you already know. You could do this too! Listen to your damn body!
And lately, I’ve been getting headaches every goddamn day. It’s beyond a nuisance now. Now I’m getting pissy.
Me: What’s your goddamn problem anyway?
Body: You know.
Me: You know what? Go fuck yourself. I’m not giving up coffee.
Me and my body have a contentious relationship. This goes back to when I whipped its pussy ass after my accident, and then it beat the shit out of me with mono. Then I went out to the oilpatch and worked 20 hour days of backbreaking labour for four months. Whereupon it put me in the fucking hospital. After that… we reached a gentlemen’s agreement. We each agree not to do anything that would make the other retaliate. Like 3 consecutive all-nighters. Full-body rashes with no discernable cause. That sort of petty nonsense.
So I don’t understand why she’s being such a bitch. Why the caffeine hate all of the sudden? I’m not the the two-pots-of-coffee-and-a-redbull-for-dessert addict I used to be. I even drink a “pretty-close-to-decaf” version that I’ll tell you about if you email me. But bitch is all up in my face over chocolate! Green tea! Man, ZEN MASTERS drink green tea. It’s the elixir of the gods. And she hates coffee. Especially coffee with sugar. (I sorta think she’s got a thing against sugar, too, but she’s picking her battles).
But the shits of it is, is that she’s got our best interests at heart. APPARENTLY not having to do manual labor, a regular bedtime AND 8 full hours of sleep is not GOOD ENOUGH for her. She ALSO wants a stimulant-free diet.
So I’m going to humor her for 3 weeks. For three weeks, I will eschew coffee, chocolate and tea, and as many sweetened [whatever] as I can. Fruits and veggies and plenty of water blah, blah, blah. Fine.
What’s your relationship with your body like? Please tell me I’m not alone.